Mother Nature’s a B****!

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of ‘tubing?’ Resorts? Lazy River? Relaxation? How about Danger? Anxiety? Death? You see, friends, I am not a fan or friend of the water. Never have been. Never will be. But…there was once a time, out of love for others, I put my fears aside and said those three little words that will never leave my mouth again…”Let’s go tubing!” Below you will hear my story and maybe learn from my mistakes. It’s the least I can do to save lives and warn others. ‘Tubing’ is not for the weak at heart, nor is it as relaxing as it seems to be. This is my story.

In the beautiful mountains of Cherokee, NC is where my story begins. It was an overcast day, not too hot, not too cold, and after admiring most of the scenery, eating at outstanding locations, and losing money at the casino, me and the person I was with were looking for something ‘fun’ to do. I know she loved water, and even though I didn’t, sometimes in a relationship you need to do things the person you love enjoys, so out of my mouth came those three little words every woman wants to hear. “Let’s go tubing!”

She was excited and I was nervous, but we found a little place on the outskirts of town that offered a ‘fun and relaxing trip down the river.’ For only $14 dollars each, you can enjoy a ‘tubing adventure’ to make your mountain trip complete. Being we each had 14 dollars, we decided to ‘enjoy’ this adventure together. I should have been concerned when the only acceptable form of payment was cash, and only after you paid did they give you a waiver to sign, but I thought, “How bad could it be?”

While changing into some swimming trunks inside of a storage shed, I realized I didn’t have any water shoes and I hate to be barefooted, but I wasn’t going to mess up my shoes…so barefoot I shall be. After changing and placing our clothes into the back of my car, we waiting for the ‘tubing company’ to carry us to our drop off point. You see, once you are paid and have signed away your life, all for 14 dollars, they herd you onto a short school bus that has a trailer full of tubes behind it. You get on the bus, find your seat, and the river guide gives you ‘the lay of the land.’

Our river guide was quite nice and full of knowledge. We learned that this would be a 3 mile trip. Again, in a tube, should be relaxing. Our guide gave us valuable information that I will share with you now:

1. There are three traffic bridges. The first one is around 20 minutes away. The second about 20 minutes from the first. The third and final bridge is about an hour from the second bridge. From there, stay on the left side of the river so you can easily exit the water.
2. Think of tubing like traffic. If one lane is busy or congested, move to the other lane.
3. If you would like to stop on the river bank, go for it. Relax and have fun.

By the time our guide had finished, we had arrived at our drop off point. We exited the bus and they gave us our tubes. Then the bus left. We were left to our own devices as the river flowed in front of us. People were smiling and laughing. I was nervous and scared. The temperature of the water only made things worse.

The river’s water was very cold, and the bottom of the riverbed was unforgiving. Rocks were everywhere and my feet were not prepared for this. As I went to get in my tube, my foot slipped on a rock and I fell down, into the water. Now my entire body was cold. I stood back up quickly only to fall down again. I repeated this process at least 3 more times, however, the last time, I fell hard and fast and threw my tube in front of me. At this point, the river caught it and begin to take it downstream. As my body flailed about, falling several more times, a young man I can only describe as a younger version of Point Break came out of nowhere and saved my tube and held it for me until I could get my fat, clumsy rump over to him to grab my tube and thank him.

Once I had regained my composure and my tube, I look to the person I was with (who had floated past me), only to see her laughing at my situation. I do not blame her one bit, and hey, at least she was located next to a rock waiting for me. At this point I yell out to her to ask, “What do I do?” to which she replies, “Get in the tube!”

So far, the water had only been knee deep, but my entire body had been in the river multiple times. Standing, I positioned the tube behind me and ever so gently plopped myself down into the tube. The river immediately carried me directly down a tiny slope on the way to the person who was waiting for me, provided me with the first of many free rock enemas I would experience for the day. As the rock tried to enter my nether region, I quickly shot my body up and passed by the person who was waiting for me. The river had me now. I was at it’s mercy. So long to all that I Ioved. It’s been real.

I tried to make my way over to the river bank to slow down and have my beautiful companion catch up with me. By doing this, my hind part discovered more rocks as my heinie dredged the bottom of the river. Finally one rock, a pretty big one, caught my right cheek and stopped me dead in my tracks. Apparently, one caught the tube as well as I heard a faint hissing noise coming from my left side. I used my left hand to cover it up as. well as I could. My better half finally made their way over to me and we locked hands agreeing to never let the other one go. It had been 20 minutes. No bridge was in sight. I was sweating. I was tired. My caboose was sore. As we rested, people floated by laughing and smiling. One man was on his phone making business deals. These were a different kind of people. We knew we had to make it to the end or we would be there forever. It was time to move on…together.

As people continued to float by us (the next two were eating sandwiches), we pushed ourselves away from the bank and began to follow them. We held hands and I held on for dear life. We were beginning to make progress and figure out how to ‘change lanes’ using our arms to guide us. We even passed some of the people as we made it to our first checkpoint. What should have taken 20 minutes took around 45, but now, we were getting the hang of it, and my tube still had air.

As we made it past the first bridge, our confidence had gotten too high. We came upon a bank full of people on the right and people rope swinging and fishing on the left. We zigged and zagged our way past these new obstacles without catching a hook or a person, only for the river to push us to the extreme right after passing these kind people and into a rock bed that had no respect for my tailbone. My booty skidded over these rocks and we came to complete stop. We lifted our bodies up as high as the tube would allow us and broke free, only to begin moving…upstream. Apparently, the laws of physics ceased to exist in this part of the river. As the water was moving us in the wrong direction, a lovely family was moving right toward us. With all due respect to that lovely family (a mother, a father, and their son who looked to be no more than 12), they were doing their best to move around us. The mom and dad succeeded. The son did not.

I was facing them as I cold not control my craft in the water. The mom and dad were moving away but the son could only look at me and fester a smirk as his tube and his buttocks rolled over the top of my face, pushing me back underwater and fighting for my life.

Once I gathered my composure from the unfortunate incident, I cried aloud, ‘Mother Nature’s a B****!” The only thing the beautiful young lady I was with could do was laugh. Once she did, it was like the heavens opened and the laws of physics were restored, because we began to travel in the direction that was intended for us. I continued to cover the small leak.

We were still looking for the second bridge, but it was no where to be seen. You know what was? More rocks. Lots of rocks. Big rocks. Small rocks. It was to the point where my backside was greeting them like a deacon at church. It felt as if my derriere had been run through a cheese grater. As we bumped and bruised our way through this ‘relaxing river adventure,’ the second bridge came into sight.

What had supposed to had been 40 minutes total seemed like a lifetime. We had been on the water for an hour and a half, and the next bridge was, by our bus driver’s estimates, 50 more minutes away, which in real time is about 2 hours. We were defeated. We were tired. There was no end in sight.

It was at this point, a kind gentleman in his own personal tube, complete with backrest and cupholders, floated by with a warning. He informed us that the rapid up ahead were quite rough. Apparently he had been spying on our little excursion and knew we were ill prepared for the trip we had found ourselves on.

The kind gentleman was not lying. We held on to each other with one hand and our tubes with the other. We were pushed over giant rocks, down slopes, and bounced off of what was left until we made it through the rapid. Good news was we had made it through and were okay. Bad news was the kind gentleman’s tube was upside down and he was no where to be seen. As far as we know, he was okay. We wanted to help, but continued to float away. If you are reading this, my friend, I hope you are okay, and I appreciate the heads up. I wish we could have helped you.

After making it through those tough rapids, it just so happened that my bathing suit, well, the back end of it, had decided to fall off and after many failed attempts to pull it up while sitting in the tube, I decided to give up trying to fix it. From this point my keister dredged the bottom of the river for the remainder or our little adventure and my left hand kept covering the small leak in the tube.

It had been 30 minutes and the water seemed to stop flowing. We were coming to a standstill in the water and the sun decided to come out.

We were on that stretch of water for at least 30 minutes. The sun was cooking me, and I couldn’t flip myself over. People were in their hotels and cabins, directly in view, sitting on their decks or back porches, watching me bake. They were smiling. They were laughing. I was not. I was done. Figuratively and literally. We decided our adventure was over and we needed to get home…the sooner the better.

We began to paddle. At first, since we were holding on to each other, we paddled ourselves in circles like morons. After laughing about it, we finally found our rhythm and began to move. We passed people. We were moving. Since my posterior was now numb, I couldn’t even feel the rocks as they continued to bruise and welt my hind quarters. We were determined to get to that third bridge and get home. Low and behold, the bridge soon appeared, and wouldn’t you know it, we were on the wrong side of the river.

We found our second burst of energy. Our second wind. We paddled ourselves across one more mountain of rocks making our way under the bridge and to the exit point. I may or may not have had a small tear come down my face.

We floated to the exit point, which was full of rocks, and stood up. The rocks cut my feet as I rushed through them to the narrow path that led to another small bus loading up the fortunate ones who had finished before us. My tube still had air, but it needed to be patched sooner rather than later. I threw it on the trailer and got in my seat as quick as I could. We had been in the water for a little over 3 hours.

My feet were cut and blistered. The front of my body, face, chest, stomach, arms, legs, and feet, were burnt. My bum was bruised and battered, and I had been violated by more than one river rock. As I looked out the window I made a promise to myself that I would never tube on the river wild again.

If you can take anything from this, please make sure if you decide to go tubing on a river, don’t think it’s like a lazy river at a resort. Rocks hurt. River’s don’t care about your well being. Also, do not call me to go tubing with you, tell me how fun it is, or attempt to sway my decision about this matter. I am tubed out and I’m totally fine with the memories that were made. You do whatever makes yourself happy. As for me and my ass, we are still recovering!