Who can wear pant’s at a time like this?

At the request of my co-workers, and against my better judgement, I intend to allow you, dear reader, to learn from my failures. Sometimes I can’t even believe the things I have gotten myself into, things that have happened, or even situations I have been in. Michael Jordan is quoted as saying, “I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” I have also failed over and over, but I wouldn’t label my results as a success, however, a learning experience. Take from these stories what you will. You may laugh, you could cry, you might even say it’s made up. I assure you it isn’t…this is all based off true events in my life, I’m sad to say. So enjoy!

I will preface this story with a little about myself. I am an 8th grade math teacher. I am also a basketball coach. I used to be an assistant football coach (this is important to the story. FORESHADOWING PEOPLE!) After school during football season, I would change in my room. Everyone knew that I changed clothes after school. They would know this by the giant green paper I would cover my window with so no one could peek or stare through it to see what the stork saw. Once the kids had left the building, I would escape back to my classroom, close the door, put up the green paper, and proceed to change. It is at this point where you are probably asking yourself, “Self, wouldn’t I lock the door?” Why yes Self, you probably would. I, however, did not follow this step, which leads to the failure we are about to embark on.

It was a day just like any other. Nothing special. Nothing I can recall happening before the incident. Kids were okay, not off the chain. Just waiting for school to be over so we can get our offensive plays in and practice for the upcoming football season. End of the day gets there. I escort kids to the buses and then mosey my way back to my room, as always, to get dressed for practice. Upon entering my room, I close the door and place the giant green paper over the window to my door and make my way to my desk to change clothes, same as always. I open my bag, pull out my shorts, tee-shirt, shoes, etc. and begin to undress (DO NOT INSERT YOUR BOOM-CHICKA-BOW-WOW melodies here. I did not undress slow. I did not undress to music. I simply tried to get undressed quickly and redressed for practice so I could make it to the field before the players did).

So I take off my shoes. Then I take off my pants and fold them to place them on my desk. As I bend down to grab my bag to place my pants into, I hear my door go “Knock Knock” and bust open like Kramer was coming in to see Jerry!

Just as fast as i could, I jumped into my roller chair and rolled myself under my desk. You see, from the shirt up, I was all business. The bottom half though…ankle socks and some boxers, thats it. But I wheeled myself under the desk and sat at attention.

Who busted in you ask? A teacher from down the hall. I think it was her first year teaching. Apparently she had an issue that day with a football player. She wanted to let the coach know personally what was going on.

1. I was the assistant coach, not the head coach
2. An email would’ve been sufficient
3. Little did she know, only a 3/4 inch piece of plywood was keep her from seeing me in all my glory.

I sat and listened as patiently as I could. I told her it would be handled as patiently as I could. I said whatever I could to get her out of the room. I mean, I AM SANS PANTS! Imagine if the principal or another teacher would’ve walked in.

As this oblivious teacher gets up from her seat (which she pulled right in front of my desk, mind you), she extends her hand and thanks me. Usually I would stand up and shake her hand. Fortunately I did not. I stayed seated and extended my hand and shook hers. As she was walking out, I asked her to shut the door, as I needed to change for practice. Once the door closed, I couldn’t help but laugh. As I did, I noticed my pants, still on the desk, in the space that was between me and the other teacher. She had to have seen them. But did she? Oh, and the 3/4 inch piece of plywood on the front of the desk…it didn’t go down all the way…

To this day, I do not know if she noticed or not. I don’t even know if she is still teaching. What I do know is that I lock the door now when I am changing clothes. I also suggest that you do the same. Learn from my failures so that if you ever find yourself pants-less, no one will bust in on you and turn you into a fat ninja gliding into a rolling chair to slide yourself under a desk in order to keep yourself out of a lawsuit. Failure is not an option…read and learn people!